Batteries Not Included: Comic Verse
Confessions Of A Streamlined Romeo—Bangor, Maine, 1951
The evening air was cold and crisp,
The wind had snap and bite,
I adjusted the flask close on my hip
And slid like an eel out into the night.
They were having a dance at the VFW hall
And my mind squirmed like a wolverine
As I pissed up against a fieldstone wall
And tickled my brain with a tableaux obscene.
The joint was packed, the band was hot
(if a band with a squeeze-box is ever so),
My eye ran the room at a casual trot,
Selected the talent, lined them up in a row.
“Hi, gang”, I said loudly, to draw every eye
As I felt in my pocket for the secret switch;
The crowd was bathed in the light of my bow-tie,
The tie that delighted, that sought to bewitch.
“Oh, you’re so suave,” said blond-haired Sue,
“Have you grown much taller?”, said Kate,
“Why, your hair’s just so curly,” said sloe-eyed Prue,
“The evening’s so early but the year is so late.”
I browsed and sluiced, I nibbled and munched,
I ate them up like fruit;
Like grapes around me girls were bunched,
They said, “You handsome brute.”
So, men, don’t delay,
Send off right away
For the bow-tie that is able
To turn the hayseed cluck of today
Into tomorrow’s hick Clark Gable.